Many clients request a “Cheat Sheet” that actually prevents cheating!
Consider the basic needs of your spouse in advance of a conversation using Whole-brain thinking based on Herrmann Brain Dominance.
- Once you have done this a number of times, made notes, and committed some of the words to memory it will be easy to remind yourself of your needs and your spouse’s needs for respect, peace, affection, intimacy, connection etc.
- Give yourself Self-empathy, silently
- Give Empathy aloud to your partner using the needs you considered in #1 and complete by asking your spouse “have I understood?”
- Use Self-expression- if you don’t have your partner’s attention or if the expression on his/her face is not peaceful RETURN to #3, Empathy
- Use Reflection: If this is an important conversation; an essential one; Request “Would you be willing to let me hear what you understood so that I know if I was able to be clear?”
- Spouse uses reflection and may or may not be complete in the Reflection of your words.
- If not accurate say “Thank you for letting me know that I didn’t make myself clear; what I also wanted to let you know is…”
6. The Solution finds you: using offers, requests, suggesting strategies etc.
End with a “Thank You”
The most important break-down in addition to those listed is if you begin a conversation without enough Self-empathy and still have a goal in mind- we always allow the Solution to be co-created so that a TRUE Solution is discovered.
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. says, “Once both partner’s feelings and needs have been expressed and heard, a solution will find them within twenty minutes.”