Words that can save any friendship or relationship — if you use them correctly.
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As a certified mediator, I spend hours a day peace-making for couples, families, and companies. However, as a life coach, I teach people the verbiage that creates peace so they can avoid arguments and mediation.
Most stress occurs at home where people are living cheek to jowl, trying to have peace and privacy and desperate for everyone else to be quiet, mind their business, and get along but it rarely happens in most homes.
There are phrases you can learn and live a peaceful life so your partner, family, and others cooperate and you never need a third party to settle conflicts. Empathy is the primary tool you need at home and the office to avoid almost every argument and disagreement for the rest of your life.
Here are peace-making phrases that work like magic with (almost) everyone in your life
1. 'Would you be willing to...'
Those 5 words can save any relationship.
Cambridge University supports the idea that intra-family feuds are created by egos and confusion about who is the boss. In a family, there isn’t a boss, there are family members who care about each other.
Instead of telling children or a spouse what to do, “Would you be willing to” works far better.
- “Would you be willing to take out the garbage? It would mean a lot to me.” If your family member does what you ask, be sure to say, “Thank you.”
- “Would you be willing to do your housework now so we can watch a movie later this evening?”
Again, this is not a demand, it is not an order. If your family member says, “No,” you need to let it go because being a parent or a spouse doesn’t make you the boss!
Instead of asking a young person a direct question such as “Do you have homework?” as that can provide an opportunity for an excuse or even a lie, you can say,
- “Since you probably have a lot of homework, would you be willing to start it before dinner so we might have time for a game afterward?”
Whether it’s shooting hoops, playing Monopoly, or anything else, you teach a young person how to plan and schedule their work and fun when you communicate in this way.
2. 'I understand why you feel that way...'
When someone is angry and you offer empathy, you will notice the anger in the listener’s words and tone diminishes as you use empathetic verbiage in a calm, emotionally neutral tone, as supported by the Australian Journal of Psychotherapy.
For example, in a conversation with a frustrated boss, you can encourage him to let you keep your job by recognizing how he's feeling but getting the clarity you need in order to follow through:
Boss: (grumble grumble) Didn’t you finish the project report yet? I told you I needed to have it on my desk by this morning.”
You: “Bob, I can see there’s something additional you need me to do, can you clarify it for me?”
Here's another example, where your boss is angry, but you didn't actually do anything wrong. In this case, you don't want to start with a defense of yourself, but rather lead with empathy:
Boss: “Weren’t you supposed to be here at 8 a.m. for inventory?”
You: “I can understand why you’re annoyed, it seems I was sent the wrong email, which asked me to be here early tomorrow.”
Boss: “Can I see the email, please?”
The boss is already calmer because you stayed calm and didn’t become defensive.
3. 'I'm sorry, you're right..."
If you make a mistake, as everyone does, it’s much faster to admit it and fix the problem than to deny it and start an argument.
Spouse/Partner: “How many times have I asked you not to put the greasy pizza box on the table!”
You: “You’re right, I'm so sorry. I’m taking the box out to the compost bin and will clean the table. I agree that we don’t want to ruin the table.
In this example, where you are actually running later than your partner, it's better not to get angry that your partner is angry or impatient, but rather just let the reality of your timing exist. You don't need to defend.
Spouse/Partner: “Aren’t you ready yet? Do I have to wait for you again?”
You: “I’m ready, Honey, and I’m kissing the baby goodnight, be out in a sec.” or “Ready, Honey, I hope you love my outfit!”
It helps if you commit yourself to be ready at the same time as your partner so you might say:
“You’re right, Honey, I’m ready because I’ve committed myself to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than you because I need more time, and I know life will be easier for both of us when we’re ready to leave at the same time.”
4. 'I get it..."
Dealing with the most complicated people, those who are impaired by substances is a significant challenge. The person who is stoned or drunk might say, “Stop telling me what to do!”
You can ignore this because the conversation won’t successfully proceed if you deny it, argue, etc. However, if this is repeated, you’ll need to respond.
Them: “I said I’ll stop when I want to! Stop bugging me” etc., etc.
You: “Yes, I know you enjoy a few beers at the end of the day.”
Them: “I sure do, and no one is going to tell me what to do!”
By a few rounds of this back-and-forth, you will hopefully notice the level of anger has diminished if you use this verbiage and a calm, emotionally neutral tone of voice.
You: “Yes, you need peace, I get it.”
You may be amazed to learn this is the first step to motivating someone into rehab without a painful and expensive Intervention. Instead of pushing back and arguing about them having a problem, empathize with how they feel so they know you are listening.
Research demonstrates how empathy works to motivate and inspire people to cooperate. No matter what challenge you may have with the people in your life, whether it’s caused by their mood, your actions, or any other reason, the key is your commitment to peace.
Of course, if someone is mistreating you or being cruel, you have every right to leave the situation. That can also be a peaceful solution to the problem. But if you are committed to continue communicating, using empathy-based phrases and questions can help keep the intensity level to a minimum. When you commit to peace, you calm yourself before you react with anger.
